I don’t think I know a writer that doesn’t have an ego. Not that writers are necessarily egotistical, but it takes a certain mindset to feel that the world should read the words that you write. And with most writers I know, that ego is easily wounded. Stories often contain pieces of ourselves and that colors the way we see them. So sometimes criticism hurts. A while back I realized that I needed criticism and feedback. I felt like I’d reached a plateau with my writing and needed the perspective of others to help get me past my patterns. So I joined Altered Fluid and later attended Clarion West and had many of my storied critiqued. And while it still sometimes hits a little too deeply, especially for stories that I’m particularly fond of, I’ve developed the writerly equivalent of callouses and I’m usually (after a short break) happy for the feedback I’ve received.

Novels, on the other hand, can be a little harder on the ego. Short stories are written (usually) in much less time and require much less investment. I’ve lived with novels for years. The characters in those novels have been around for a long time. I’m closer to the novels I’ve written. So criticism on something of that scale can be much harder to take. And the implications are more extensive. You could theoretically rewrite a short story from scratch and still capture the original idea or emotion. A novel is a much more complicated beast.

And yet, as I realized lately, criticism is still necessary. Maybe more so. Because you get so close, it’s difficult to see what’s not working, or what may need to be improved on. Those characters that are so alive in your head may still be cardboard on the page. The amount of time you’ve spent on the novel may make it seem like there’s no other way to work it until someone points out those possibilities to you.

I’m currently waiting on feedback for my most recent completed novel. This is the one that I intend to send to my agent when it’s all done with revisions. I got a little sneak peek at some of the feedback today and my first reaction was – oh, god, this sucks. I’m a horrible writer. How could I have let that character be so limp? How could I have overlooked (what seem to be) such obvious problems? Have I spent years working on what ultimately is a poor story? My wounded ego was doing its elaborate death dance, clutching its breast, staggering about my mind, moaning and gnashing its teeth. But then something interesting happened. My inner writer woke up and pushed the ego aside and started thinking about ways to improve the story. It started thinking of the feedback critically and connecting dots. It started seeing outside the stone boundaries of the story and realized that they weren’t stone after all. More like Lego. I could unsnap this piece, and build something else. And, for a moment, it was actually exciting.

I don’t know that I’ll ever get over that initial ego bruising. It’s just the way my mind works – I like to be good at what I do, I want to do the best work I can. But I’m swiftly coming to realize that that outside perspective isn’t just desirable, it’s a necessary thing for me. And ultimately, regardless of whether I agree with every single criticism I receive, it will help me write a better novel. So I guess I’ll continue to grit my teeth and do it.

There’s also something else that crystallized for me today. Often when giving feedback, people will make suggestions for changes you can make. Ideas that they’ve thought of that can make the story better. Often, these ideas don’t work for me. They didn’t come from my brain, they seem foreign and not the way I want to handle it. But just as often, they spark my own ideas. Like a Tetris game, my mind takes the suggestion and twists it into a configuration that fits in with how I view the story. And moments like that are often magic.

Writing is often a solitary pursuit, and one of the reasons I like it is because I tend to be in complete control (at least in the formative stages). But lately I’m finding I can’t discount the input of others. It frequently makes things better.

I am, of course, interested in hearing how other people deal with this. Am I particularly sensitive on this issue?